Learning the Basics 101

As you may have read in my blog biography, I work as a Lifestyle Fitness Coach meaning that I come across various types of people with interesting stories. The clients come from diverse backgrounds but with a similar theme, they want to improve their lives by working to achieve the maximum potential to learn new life skills. With permission to share this story with anonymity by a former client, you will see how one woman’s desire for independence and a career taught her something more important than her doctorate degree….. she learned the simple and practical things in life.

“Maria” as we will call her, was a married woman, with one child, Harvard educated but always struggling to find her purpose in life. She had the mentality which permitted her to solve the most difficult equations but when it came to the basic necessities in life, she was lost. “Maria” was a great partner and mother; so she thought until one day, unsuspectingly, her husband told her that he had enough and that he wanted to leave. Devastated, lost, and confused because her life was built around her family always being intact and never thought that this could happen to her; she had to do some very deep soul searching to better comprehend her life. Following many days of crying and accusations, the couple came to a “truthful” understanding about their expectations from each other. “Maria” had learned that though her husband had enjoyed taking care of the home in the past, he began to feel that all responsibilities had fallen upon him without consideration, appreciation, and assistance.

“Maria” came from a middle class New England family where many things, especially house chores were done by others. Her only requirement as a youth was to study. “Maria” was an intellect who often saw “domesticated” women as being “subservient" and never thought that these small details would ever be a concern in her life. “Maria” wanted me to make it very clear that these were not the values held by her hard-working family.

She said that this was one of the hardest periods in her life. First of all, she was trying to search for the fulfillment in her life, secondly, she had an agenda but without a plan for change, and finally she always believed that she satisfied her husband with her “big plans” for the future but what she actually discovered was that all he wanted and appreciated were the simple things in life; these were the things that she had taken for granted.

In our coaching sessions, we discussed where the origins of the perception of “the domesticated” woman may have evolved. “Maria” replied that her family came from a very strict Catholic background where the role of the woman was seen as a subservient to the man. This, she said was evident with the women in her family rushing home to prepare their husbands’ dinners. She said that she always wanted something more, something different than what she saw; she did not want to react out of fear or tradition when “serving” and/or “pleasing” her man; she wanted a mutual and reciprocal respect for all things in her relationship. From this, she said that the concept of the “independent modern woman” evolved. She wanted to have her own plans and do the things which she viewed as having less importance or less priority in her own time. In consequence, the shock encounter of possibly losing someone very important and dear in her life was the reality check which “Maria” believed was needed to allow her to truly appreciate her husband in a way which she thought was always too easy.

“Maria” said that she also came to the realization that in her quest for independence she was actually dependant. “Maria” never had the thought that one day her husband would leave, and in consequence, she found herself unprepared and stunned at how much her life was actually dependant on his life. She began to work on these things which she had neglected so long ago, not for the sake of “appeasing” her husband but to make herself a more efficient person, more effective in her career and most importantly……… a better role model for her child. As she saw in her own life, children learn from example.

“Maria” now says that even though she felt lost, overwhelmed, and devastated at times during this period, the experience made her a more practical and efficient person than who she was before. She also says that much strength and insight into her life was gained and those objects which were a hindrance, released. “Maria” says that she is now able to see, appreciate, and better manage the little things in life and that she would never forget the lessons learned.

The story that I have just shared is true. It is the actual life experience of an everyday woman just like you and I, who put so much effort in trying to understand, to be, and to solve the deeper meanings of life that she did not understand how important the basics were to her own life. She took an experience which may have been viewed as “discouraging” and made it work for her own purpose, to become a better person and truly gain the independence in which she always longed for.